Guys who sit in trendy cafe's trying to look... trendy.

As you might have guessed, I'm sitting in a trendy cafe; the staff are dancing to rockabilly, they have tattooed arms and graphic t-shirts, and everything in my surroundings looks pretty cool.

Except for one guy. One guy is sitting quietly in the corner writing something and listening to something through his ipod, which is all good and well until it dawned on me that everything he is wearing and doing has been premeditated in an attempt to look like one of those trendy guys and has unfortunately and quite dramatically fallen short of what it is that he was trying to achieve. So I've decided that I'd list a few things (I don't have a lot better to do with my time) to give this guy and guys alike an idea of why it all went wrong.

Now, before I continue with this train of thought, I want to make it clear that I am in no way exceptionally trendy, well dressed, or know anything about what I'm talking about at any given point - having said that, there are a few rules that I consider are general knowledge when it comes to trying to dress yourself.

Firstly, if you have to wear blue denim jeans and a blue t-shirt - don't make that t-shirt the one with the Superman crest on it - You aren't and never will be Superman, and you're not fooling anyone.

Secondly, those horrible leather motorcycle style jackets with the two toned racing stripes that aren't really for motorcycling but for looking cool - aren't really for motorcycling, or for looking cool - however will make you look like you walked off the set of a bad 80's/90's T.V drama targeted at angsty teens.

Thirdly, moleskines are pretty obvious to spot, so if you have to use them to dignify what it is you're writing down, you can be subtle about it - you don't have to leave on the banner around the cover that visibly says 'moleskine', you look like a simp who couldn't unwrap something properly.

Next, shoes are important, they're an understated key component to any well considered ensemble. With that in mind - don't wear shoes that came from rivers, or look like they may have come from rivers - they have the power of making anyone who sees them sad, except for that energetic father of three with a low-wage salary and a mortgage who just loves the money he saved buying his own pair of attractive, genuine leather, and comfortable! weekend shoes.

Finally, it must be pretty awesome having a brand new iphone4, I know you're impressed because you're picking it up and doting on it every second minute - but don't go and cover it in an apple trademark white case with the white headphones plugged in playing god only knows what - probably U2. It makes you look as sterile as the white that is in abundance with your phone - which is essentially the equivalent of removing your nuts and wearing them on your sleeve.

With these five basic rules in mind there is no way you will become the target of any subfusc blog's attempt at a 'what not to wear' article, or be made to feel uncomfortable by the blogger and her friend trying to unsubtly take your photo.

I can't think of anything worse than a giant glittering shoe.

Do you know what sucks?

Not having internet!

I've moved into the 'villa borghese' with my good friend Pia. Life is swell BUT i have no gaddamn internet. How am I to keep the world up to date on my exciting adventures and profound thinkings?

Oh blog. how I miss thee.

I am at uni.
The computers are slow.
I have a hangover
or sleep dep.
or something.

I think I will come back when I actually have something to write.
Right now I am as vacuous as a black hole.

hehe black hole.

So I'm home.
Everything is a mess! I cant see my desk - i had to clear arm holes through the junk to reach my keyboard. And there are books all over my floor in piles and boxes because I thought it would be a good idea to throw away my bookcases right before I left.
Also I only have about $20 to my name.
AND its hot!
All this aside, lets talk about my going away present to some poor Korean boy...
I've been sick the past week from some mysterious food poisoning I picked up in Jeju Island so that basically whenever I eat I vomit uncontrollably.
Anyway, Saturday morning I get up, I have some spare time and there was breakfast prepared downstairs at the place I was staying so I thought.. ok, just a bit of rice, maybe a little soup and I'll be fine.
Unbeknownst to me, loitering in the kitchen was the Ajima (lady who owns the place and prepares the meals) and she proceeds to serve me a huge bowl of rice and equally huge amount of soup.
I didn't want to be rude - so I ate it all.
And I'm feeling fine, my friends come to help me to the airport, we ride the bus for about an hour, everything is cool. We check in my luggage and hit up burger king so they can have some breakfast. I'm not feeling the best but its still ok at this point and I'm thirsty - so I have a coke.
But then, afterwards, I decided I didn't want to leave the country without one last banana milk (the god of Korean beverages) so I find a convenience store and down one of those bad boys quickly before saying bye to my friends and going though customs.
I make it to my gate, sit down. I'm taking deep breaths at this point, telling myself I'll be fine.
I start to perspire... but its ok.. its fine. People are boarding the plane and I'm camping out, waiting for the cue to die down.
Then it's time. I get up and approach the boarding staff. I'm through, all I have to do is make it to the plane, take a seat, chill and it should all pass.
But then through the gate... an escalator.
I'm descending and it hits me, rising in my chest, a malevolent beast. I get to the bottom and there's nothing; the bridge is packed with people, an empty room and some Korean guy sitting at a desk with mysterious doors behind him.
So, I drop my things and run up to him and I'm all like "I have to go back there and vomit". And hes looking at me all confused and I'm doing vomiting hand gestures and looking panicked and looking at the doors and hes telling me no in Korean, ushering me into an elevator...
So I'm all whatever at this point, I'm hunched over, taking deep breaths, swallowing heaps. I get in the elevator and hes riding with me when it happens.
I see myself projectile vomit down the mirrored wall, he turns in slow motion with a look of horror at me and I'm trying to catch the vomit, its pooling on the elevator floor and I'm looking down at it and at my hands and at his face, all in the space of one floor.
When we arrive at the top I'm finished, we get out of the elevator and the doors close. He says something in Korean and the rest of the staff look at me.
One of them takes the vomit coated boarding pass from me, I'm still cupping vomit in one hand and running off to the bathroom.
I get there, wash myself as best I can - feeling fantastic at this point, having been relinquished of my daemon.
Only then to have to return to the gate, take my vomit coated pass from the hostess (who handled it between the tips of her thumb and index finger like the disgusting vomit coated plane ticket it was) and then, take the walk of shame... Back down the escalator, past the boy at the desk - his face still wrought with horror - down the bridge, and onto the plane, the last passenger.
Anyway, I sat down next to some importer-exporter Iranian guy with a big head who was on his way to New-Zealand to visit relatives? I smelt like vomit but needless to say, I slept like a baby for the six hour flight. It was amazing.
All aside, Korea was fun - as I expected.
I may this week, if time allows, post some photographs of the highlights of the ordeal.
If not, until next time, keep it real.

So I saw Valentines Day.
It was horrible.
I hate myself for having seen it, so bad was it in fact, that within 15 minutes I was contemplating ways in which I could get out of the cinema and run screaming down the street clawing at my face and eyes.
My first instinct was to fake a call, run, and then later explain to the Korean guy now saved in my phone simply as "do not answer" that my father had a stroke and I had to leave and pack and go to Australia and that I'm sorry but he should stop calling.
But instead I camped it out - hating myself.
Never have I witnessed such unmitigated crap.
(This was Tuesday by the way... it's Sunday and I'm still mad. Its Sunday and Valentines day and I'm having rape-like flashbacks)
And the salt to the wound was that somewhere in close proximity some garlic eating mother fucker was breathing all up in my airspace.
I had to watch a romantic horror show while breathing some randoms garlic breath.
Why.

yo. I don't actually have anything interesting to write about.
But I'm bored and I can't leave my room right now because somehow on Friday night amidst all the debauchery I managed to lose my keys.
I got by Saturday and Sunday using my house mate to let me in but now hes at work/school all day so I had to face the landlady (whom I'm scared of) and ask for a new set of keys... which for some reason is taking all god damn day! Aren't Koreans meant to be super efficient or something?
Anyway, I have a few days shy of three weeks remaining before I return to Perth. And honestly, I'm kind of excited. I thought that since I was over here and not working/studying I would have heaps of time to write about things.
But its sad really, I've practically been doing nothing.
I shop, party, eat, sleep a whole damn lot and sit in Starbucks reading - yes, Starbucks, I'm such a hack.
So, I'm kind of looking forward to having uni and work to get back to, having a car to cruise around in and some warmth and sunshine, not to mention my bedroom and all the things in it.
Anyway, as I sit here sipping some shitty packaged "mochapresso" scribbling stuff in my sketch book and feeling sorry for myself, I listen to Jon Hopkins. Someone a while ago told me to download his work and although I don't remember who (probably Tim or maybe Nakil.. maybe Hayden) I'm pretty happy about it anyway, its remarkably good and soothing.

He's some Brit electronica guy, check it out:




Also, I finally read the Monkeys Mask (Dorothy Porter), which I mentioned I wanted to read sometime ago. It was awesome, and it only took a few hours so you can easily bust it out and I strongly recommend you do. Its about a lesbian private detective trying to find a missing girl and her killer. Oh, and its written all in verse. Here is some of it:

Dead Kids:

Dead kids upset me.
There's no drink
to take away the taste
of a fresh face rotting.

Useless
to tremble and vomit
and howl it's not fair.

You look at the spots
on the back of your hand
you look at the lines
fraying your face.

But you're still glad
it's the kid
not you.


Oh awesome, I have some keys now. I don't even feel like going out anymore. It's rainy and cold.
Tonight I'm going to see Valentines day with some creepy Korean guy who wouldn't stop talking to me on the subway a few weeks ago. He beat me down into going to the movies with him the evening I met him. We saw "It's Complicated".
I'd like you to imagine for a moment what it would be like sitting next to a middle aged Korean man you'd just met, while watching a romantic comedy that's comedy is mostly derived by old people having sex, getting high etc. while your Korean friend eats and offers to you terriake flavored beef jerky.
I really cant wait for our movie date this evening.

I think that's all I have.

My shadow stalks me at night in artificial light.

Taxidrivers are manic and their service is practically free.

I hung out with this guy tonight and his amazing camera.

Its 1:47AM.

Someone is housing cups of black soil in the bathroom - nothing grows.

It is cold.

Aboriginies on ice.

So some Russians stole some ceremonial dance moves from the Australian indigenous after watching it on YouTube or something. Anyway, they've made this ice skating routine based on the traditional Aboriginal dance that everyone is talking about, complete with dark costumes adorned in paints, and red loin cloths, etc:



I don't know about you but I find it vaguely amusing the extents to which people can exploit the indigenous. Not in a HAHA way but in a kind of ironic way.

LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT MY WEEKEND.

Friday, you wake up and go to the gym. When you're done you sit at a Dunkin' Donut alone and eat two donuts, one glazed one sugared, along with a latte, you immediately regret the sugared donut.
For some reason you're in a good mood and back at your place your housemate comes up to visit. You sit together in your room, hes on your computer and you make fun of his hair. He says he needs to cut it and so you suggest he lets you shave it into a Mohawk for fun.
He agrees so you go downstairs to his room and shave it. You go shopping together and are amused at Korean peoples reactions to a big white guy with an angsty Mohawk.
You help him buy some shoes and then eat at a Canadian place called Yaletown. You order onion rings for the appetiser but they serve you wings which tasted good anyway. You eat a burger and go home to get dressed to go out.
You wear a white top with a black skirt and your friend jokes about how he can not only see your nipple but the whole areola. You put on a coat and a red scarf and catch the bus to a suburb called Hongdae. You meet the crew upstairs in a kfc. Before you go to a restaurant and watch them eat BBQ. You shoot soju.
You go to Karaoke. Everyone is drunk and you try to sing Kiss by Prince but no one there really likes it so you're singing on your own and you butcher it.
You go to zen bar, theres about ten of you and you order a bottle of tequila. You eat cake and the DJ plays a happy birthday song. You and your friends girlfriend start ordering rounds of tequila, two at a time because they only cost $1.50, you have at least 8 more shots and you're dancing with your friends girlfriend.
Its time to leave and you're catching a cab back to your suburb, your friend and his girlfriend go home and you're walking somewhere with a Korean friend. You pee in a public bathroom because you were complaining and then you make your friend buy you some gum that ends up tasting like disinfectant.
You go to a bar called 'the bar' where your other friends went.
Josh a creepy American-Korean guy you met last time you were in Korea who at the time asked if he could dress your face with make-up rocks up out of nowhere to say hi. Later he walks in on you while you're in the male toilets for undisclosed reasons. You laugh.
Downstairs you see the Colombian gangster you had a run in with last time you were in Korea. He's harmless - you hope. One of his friends tries to hit on you, you take his sunglasses, then throw them over the bar because you don't like them. The barman cant find them. You get a beer and sit at a table across from another Colombian gangster, a tall one, dark haired, gold earring. Your memory fades and you wake up at 3pm in your friends apartment.

You stay in bed for a further 3 hours. The two of you get up to get some food around 6pm. It's snowing. You try to eat but it tastes bad and makes you nauseous. On your walk home you eat a waffle with caramel sauce. Its good. You stop off at your gym to use the sauna because you are cold. It makes you feel better.
At home you get dressed while your friend and his girlfriend are waiting in his room.
You get a cab back to Hongdae and drink soju while you ride. You go to Zen bar again to see a Korean dude and his girlfriend. They order a bottle of Jack Daniels. You try to shoot it but it makes you sick so you drink Budweiser. Across the bar you eye the biggest blackest woman you done ever saw. You point her out to your friend.
They finish the Jack Daniels and 'maybe Ryan' is texting you because he wants to see you. You order a bottle of tequila and agree to meet later at gogo's.
The tequila is gone and you're leaving, behind your table as you get up you see the black woman. You walk over and say hi. Shes perturbed and wants to know what you want, so you tell her you like her and that she should make out with you. She laughs at you. You tell her to come to gogo's and shes walking behind you out of the club. Outside you harass her to kiss you, shes about to kiss your cheek when her boyfriend rocks up and she runs over to him. Hes holding her and you harass her some more. He says she'll do it if you make out with your friends girlfriend. You do. They say no. You leave for Gogo's
When you're there you see maybe Ryan, you don't like him so you dance with other people. You try to leave gogo's to visit a friend but maybe Ryan takes you to a bar. You listen to him complain about his life while you oscillate focus between his crooked nose and the bottom of a beer glass.
You shut him down and get a taxi to your friends place, the taxi driver likes you and he asks you to kiss him on the cheek goodbye. You oblige. When you get out of the cab it takes you 45 minutes to find your friends apartment because you got dropped off in the wrong place. Its freezing.
The next day you go home and eat Samgyopsal that your landlady prepared. Its delicious. You go to your room and watch the Divinci Code followed immediately by Angels and Demons while eating caramel popcorn and then go to sleep hating yourself for it.

KOREA AND QUITTING SMOKING

So. I've been very lazy, not really posting anything of substance for quite some time. However, these things happen, and at my defence I was working like a mule trying to save and get ready etc etc etc for my next point which is I'm in K-town aka South Korea where the kimchi is hot and I'm supposedly a "Russian prostitute".

Now, I've never really had the nous for many subtleties however one can't help but notice in a city of dark haired strangers that your snow white complexion doesn't exactly just blend in with the snow like you had hoped, especially when you're powering down the street alone smoking a cigarette. According to my French friend, who is king of cultural sensitivity, I am the white she-devil and the Ah-jo-shi's (old men/uncles) are going to burn me alive in the city square.

It is things like this that without the guidance of well informed expats I would have been blissfully unaware of. Another thing for instance, never has a Korean mentioned to me the similarities I share with that of the "Russian prostitute" however, it is approximately 80% of expats I meet here that bring the damn thing up - simply because I'm a blonde haired white woman. God bless them.

Apparently in the 90's during the downfall of the Soviet Union while Korea's economy was booming tons of Russian Prostitutes flooded into Korea selling themselves to the willing Ah-jo-shi's and tarnishing the name for my fair creatures indefinitely. And even though its not so bad now as it once was, apparently my quiet stroll up the street enjoying a smoke in the bitter cold is in fact my being crudely bold and obvious of my willingness to partake in all manor of sexual exploit. Great.

This brings me to my third point; quitting smoking. On the way through to Korea from Australia I had to transfer in Malaysia. Excellent I have time, I'm quite desperate at this point, I'll partake in the purchasing of a carton of super cheap cigarettes to take into Korea. However, low and behold, as I'm practically tearing the card with my teeth in the smoking lounge of the airport, packets tumble out with grotesque visual anti-smoking propaganda. That's cool, I can handle it, regardless if its 100 times worse than in Australia.. I'm a big girl, I'm aware of these outcomes.

Roll on new years eve and the subsequent celebrations that carried on for three days as crew here took the party to an other city, hotel rooms and a beach side condo, drinking, having fun, smoking etc. etc. There is one thing in particular that I'm quite fond of here and that is their drinking culture. It's huge. However, its done quite differently to Australia, with most drinking done while enjoying a meal. This is all good and well, where it not for Soju, a liquor of unmitigated horror, where you can party for three days in another city and not remember a thing, and unfortunately it often goes hand in hand with smoking ridiculous amounts of cigarettes, should you be a smoker. Come Monday when I wake up back in my room feeling a little worse for wear, I swallow to discover my tonsils and sore and swollen, sitting at my desk I turn to see a life sized blistering cancer consumed mouth my friend had torn from the side of the carton when I arrived to point out its repugnancy.


I intend to quit smoking.








Australia vs. Malaysia












....and this guy because I thought it was cute.