As you might have guessed, I'm sitting in a trendy cafe; the staff are dancing to rockabilly, they have tattooed arms and graphic t-shirts, and everything in my surroundings looks pretty cool.
Except for one guy. One guy is sitting quietly in the corner writing something and listening to something through his ipod, which is all good and well until it dawned on me that everything he is wearing and doing has been premeditated in an attempt to look like one of those trendy guys and has unfortunately and quite dramatically fallen short of what it is that he was trying to achieve. So I've decided that I'd list a few things (I don't have a lot better to do with my time) to give this guy and guys alike an idea of why it all went wrong.
Now, before I continue with this train of thought, I want to make it clear that I am in no way exceptionally trendy, well dressed, or know anything about what I'm talking about at any given point - having said that, there are a few rules that I consider are general knowledge when it comes to trying to dress yourself.
Firstly, if you have to wear blue denim jeans and a blue t-shirt - don't make that t-shirt the one with the Superman crest on it - You aren't and never will be Superman, and you're not fooling anyone.
Secondly, those horrible leather motorcycle style jackets with the two toned racing stripes that aren't really for motorcycling but for looking cool - aren't really for motorcycling, or for looking cool - however will make you look like you walked off the set of a bad 80's/90's T.V drama targeted at angsty teens.
Thirdly, moleskines are pretty obvious to spot, so if you have to use them to dignify what it is you're writing down, you can be subtle about it - you don't have to leave on the banner around the cover that visibly says 'moleskine', you look like a simp who couldn't unwrap something properly.
Next, shoes are important, they're an understated key component to any well considered ensemble. With that in mind - don't wear shoes that came from rivers, or look like they may have come from rivers - they have the power of making anyone who sees them sad, except for that energetic father of three with a low-wage salary and a mortgage who just loves the money he saved buying his own pair of attractive, genuine leather, and comfortable! weekend shoes.
Finally, it must be pretty awesome having a brand new iphone4, I know you're impressed because you're picking it up and doting on it every second minute - but don't go and cover it in an apple trademark white case with the white headphones plugged in playing god only knows what - probably U2. It makes you look as sterile as the white that is in abundance with your phone - which is essentially the equivalent of removing your nuts and wearing them on your sleeve.
With these five basic rules in mind there is no way you will become the target of any subfusc blog's attempt at a 'what not to wear' article, or be made to feel uncomfortable by the blogger and her friend trying to unsubtly take your photo.
